i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
