i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
do nipples grow back?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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