fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
