My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
