Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
