is your mom at the bar?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
