i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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