Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
