i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
