dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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