my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
