I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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