Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
