The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
