I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
