Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
