Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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