ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
