So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Randomize
