Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
