So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
