I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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