I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
