Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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