I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
