so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
