If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
