Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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