I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Oh god it's open bar.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
