I can text with my tongue
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
my liver is dry heaving
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize