Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
