I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
