He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize