This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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