So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
