just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
