I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
