so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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