if you like me you must not know who I am
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He shit in the fireplace
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
