the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You brought string cheese to the strip club
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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