my mouth tastes like poor choices
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
