I hope mine doesn't look like that
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
