Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
