dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish you could order shots online.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize