if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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