I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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