just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
