ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
