Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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