the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
