sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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