it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize