Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
