Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
