I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
