shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
