I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
